


Through black and white

by Dandelion (yukitsubute)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Hurt Tony Stark, IronStrange, Kid Peter Parker, M/M, Past Stony, Physical Therapy, Romance, Therapy, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, new life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 08:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16037168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukitsubute/pseuds/Dandelion
Summary: Tony finds himself in a dark black hole. He has no friends and no one cares about him and his feelings. And then there is his stuck relationship with Steve and the stupid idea from Stephen to send Tony to the therapist.





	Through black and white

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, 
> 
> This story came to my mind ... I don’t know why :) it’s ironstrange and past stony. *lol* and Peter/Tony is of course a father/son relationship. 
> 
> I hope you like it. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are loved, and as always, I am not a native. ;)

The fresh air brushed Tony’s face and he wrapped the scarf tighter around his neck. What the hell had he thought when he had agreed to this? He didn’t need any help, and he didn’t want to talk with a stranger about his feelings and his secret thoughts. He just went there because he had promised Peter to become the old Tony again.

After they had returned and Tony’s life had become normal again he had still remained in his dark mood. Sometimes he didn’t know why it happened like this, because his life was back in the old patterns. Peter was back in his home, which made him more than happy and Steve visited him ones in a while to spend time with him. Tony could feel slight annoyance climbing up his body till he had the feeling to throw up. Okay, maybe not everything was back in perfect places, but it was alright the way it was, wasn’t it?

Tony entered the building and checked the floor he had to go. The elevator was already waiting for him and when he stepped out he immediately wanted to turn back to the elevator and go home. He wasn’t insane, he didn’t need a therapist. Everything was perfect, and his life was perfect, and his job was perfect … and everything was perfect. Just that it wasn’t. Tony knew that, but he couldn’t admit it. He sighed. How should this work? He was someone who could burst out easily, but he couldn’t talk about his problems well. He was master in hiding somewhere in his nutshell when it came to serious problems concerning his soul and pain he sometimes felt.

“Hi, do you have an appointment?” The lady at the reception asked. Last chance to escape – but Tony’s feet didn’t move. For some seconds he stood there and even his mind was blank.

“Yeah,” he finally said. “Tony Stark.”

“Ah, mister Stark. 4 o’clock.” She handed him a piece of paper. “You need to fill this out and give it to the doctor when you get called. Please wait in the room over there. She’ll call you.”

Tony just nodded and took a pen out of a box next to the woman. Luckily he was alone in the waiting room. He didn’t want to be scanned by someone who might think that he was insane. He turned the paper and started reading the questions over there.

_Reason why you are here?_ Did being forced by a friend count? It was Stephen’s idea to get him into therapy. Tony was still sure he didn’t need it. Just because he had a few escapades with alcohol and parties? That was just because he was happy that everything was back to normal. And his nightmares weren’t all that bad, and the mood swings got less. He decided to write that his friends wanted him to get help.

_Closest persons in your life?_ That question was tricky. Peter – that was for sure number one. But then? Steve? Were they really close? They had sex, yes, but how much did they talk beside that? When did Steve last call him to just ask how he was doing? Tony didn’t want to make it all Steve’s fault, because he didn’t call the other either, but what did that mean for their relationship? So who was close to Tony? Who would be the one he would rely on? He couldn’t name one. He decided to skip the question with just Peter’s name.

_How do you see yourself?_ A rich billionaire? What a stupid question. I am okay, he wrote next to this question.

“Mr. Stark?” He looked up to an older woman, smiling at him. “Please come in.”

He followed her into the room and was astonished. He had thought that he needed to lie down on a couch in an uncomfortable dark room. But this was different. The colours were decent, but it was far away from one sided or dark. It was a perfect mixture to make you feel comfortable and warm.

  
“Choose your place, please,” she said.

“I am allowed to sit everywhere, also on the carpet?” Tony asked.

“If you want that.” It should have been a joke, but her face let Tony guess that it was definitely an honest meant answer. So he decided to go with the carpet and sit on the floor. For his surprise the therapist did it same and sat opposite. “So, why are you here?”

Tony gulped. He didn’t want to lie to the woman, and in the end he didn’t have the plan to come back a second time. He had just promised Stephen to get here once. “I got forced.”

“Who forced you?” She asked.

“Stephen, a friend of mine,” Tony answered honestly. “A lot happened to us, and we had a lot to go through. All of my team, so he suggested me to come here.”

She nodded while she wrote something in her notebook. “And beside Stephen, who is close to you?”

“I wouldn’t say that he is close to me. He is part of my team, but close? Peter is close to me, he is kind of my son,” Tony explained. “Next to him I have Steve, he is … close to me in a different way,” Tony said.

“Back to Stephen,” the therapist said. Tony got a little annoyed. He had already said that Stephen wasn’t close to him, so why talking about him now? “Why don’t you think of him as close person?”

“He is just a team member. We are all close, but not too close, you know?”

“No,” she said. “I don’t know. Explain this to me.”

Tony brushed his hair. “Look, there is Thor, he is petty cool, but living far away. We are kind of pen friends, or so. Then there is Bruce. He is a buddy – not a close buddy, but someone you can hang out with from time to time. Steve is, he is …,” Tony started stuttering. “Friends with benefits or something like this. Natasha is easy to talk with and funny to drink with. And Stephen, he is, I don’t know what he is…annoying?”

“Annoying?” She asked.

Tony thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, annoying fits.”

“Why?”

Oh gosh, where should he start? “First of all he has an opinion for everything. He is master in looking stoic and not giving an answer. He is … I don’t know. He makes me freaking out.”

“I want to ask you something, Mr. Stark. Why did you listen to him?”

“Pardon me?”

“Why did you listen to Stephen who suggested you to come here, if he is just an annoying person, unimportant to you?”

Tony had never thought about that. And in this moment something happened which barely happened. Tony was speechless. He didn’t know what to say. His mind went blank and he had no answer. He didn’t know when this had happened for the last time. “I don’t know,” was the only thing he could say.

“I want you to think about it till next time,” she said. Next time? Tony wouldn’t come back to her. It was a one time session, he didn’t plan to come here ever again.

But Tony just nodded. He didn’t need to tell her that he wouldn’t come back. “Let’s talk about Steve. Who is he and what’s going on between you?”

“Do you have a whole week for me, because I guess that would take a lot of time telling you about our story,” Tony joked, but his heart clenched painfully. “But to make it short, our relationship is based on hurting each other, and fuck the hell out of each other.” Tony awaited the therapist to react to his words with a shocked impression or shocked words, but she just nodded and wrote down something again.

When she looked at him, she smiled. “Did you think I would freak out because of that?” She was good in reading him, really good. Tony smiled and his aggression against being here faded a little bit. Maybe the woman wasn’t all that bad. “Do you think you need Steve? I mean like your life is depending on it?”

“Yes.” Tony was stunned about his fast ‘yes’. He didn’t want to make it sound like he had been desperate, but maybe he was?

“Why?”

“Why? Why?” Tony repeated. He had never thought about it. Why was Steve so important for him? They just hurt each other, but he was still clinging on him, and in the end there was no reason for it. “I don’t know.”

“Do you trust him?”

Tony shook his head slowly. “I did trust him, but that’s over.” He licked his lips nervously. “It’s insane to stay with him, right? I should make a cut and let go?”

“Mr. Stark, I am not here to make decisions for you. This is about you talking about your problems and maybe we find solutions for some of your problems. I can’t tell you what to do, it’s all up to you,” she explained.

“But what if I am going to make the step leaving him?” Tony asked.

“What do you mean?”

Tony took a deep breath. He had never told someone the following words before. “What if I am alone after leaving him?”

She blinked and for a moment Tony didn’t know if she was speechless, but she smiled at him and gave him an answer. “That’s your problem, Mr.Stark. You think you are alone, but you don’t recognise the people around you. Open your eyes. You aren’t alone.”

How the hell could she know that much about him in their first session. “You know me?”

She help up a map and smiled. “Got your medical file from some months ago. Remember you already talked with a therapist and stopped?”

Tony rubbed his face. “Let me guess, it’s Stephen’s work?”

She nodded. “He is concerned, really concerned.”

“And a friend of yours,” Tony said.

“Yes, but what we are talking about will never leave this room. Stephen just wanted you to be in good hands, and I promised to help.” She wasn’t lying, Tony could tell this, he was just irritated that Stephen was that interested in helping him. They had known each other for a while and they had gone through some things together, and Stephen had been there when Tony’s world started to break down, but … okay, maybe it wasn’t that surprising that Stephen cared about him.

“I didn’t have the plan to talk a lot here,” Tony said with a small smile. He really hadn’t, but somehow it felt not that bad to talk a bit about his messed up life.

“Do you have someone at home you can talk about your problems?” She wanted to know. It was obvious that she already knew the answer, but Tony thought about it. He could always talk with Peter, but he was a kid for him and there were certain problems he couldn’t discuss with him. And then there was Steve. Maybe he could try talking with him? He hadn’t tried it a long time, but maybe now was the perfect time for trying it?

“Maybe Steve?” Tony sounded insecure.

“Is that a question?” She asked.

“I am not sure, but I can try talking with him.” Tony would really try it.

“Mr. Stark, I would really appreciate if you find someone to talk with when you feel your dark thoughts coming back to your mind. You need someone you are able to tell about your problems and your pain you feel. And if you believe that this could be Steve, than try it.”

“But you don’t believe it’s him?” Tony wanted to know.

“Let’s say your relationship doesn’t sound like it’s based on a deep friendship, but I don’t know much about you and him by now, so maybe I am wrong. Try it, and tell me,” she suggested.

“I should open my heart to him and telling him about my nightmares and my wishes?” Tony wasn’t sure if this would really work and somehow he knew that the therapist was right, Steve wouldn’t be the one who would listen to all the things he carried in his mind.

“How much do you two talk with each other on a normal day?” She asked.

That was a good question. Tony thought a moment about what to answer. Then he shrugged. “You mean beside bed talk and naughty words?” He scratched his chin. “Not that much.” That was unreasonably. In the end it was never more than hello, bed, bed talk, good bye. Tony knew where this would lead to, but he had no strength to end this. He wanted to try repairing their relationship. Years ago it had been perfect between the both of them, so why shouldn’t it be possible to get back to this?

“Next time I want you tell me about it.” She smiled at him and closed her notebook. The lesson was already over? Somehow Tony just got into this, and now he had to leave already? Okay, he had decided that he would come back for a second session, but just one more. “And don’t forget to think about why you decided to listen to Stephen.”

“I will,” Tony said and he was astonished how strong willed he sounded.

—

“Mr….Tony,” Peter said with a smile when Tony returned home. It smelled like pancakes and an undefined second smell.

“Peter, did you cook?” Tony slipped out of his shoes and walked into the kitchen. There were two plates and Tony could see something turning in the oven.

“Yep. Chicken sweet-sour from the Chinese restaurant you like that much, and I made pancakes by myself with a chocolate-caramel-whipped cream topping,” he explained proudly.

Tony chuckled. These were the few moments in his current life were he was really just happy. Nothing could destroy this moment for him, and he felt relaxed. He didn’t even think about gloomy things, about nightmares and the dark ghosts which hunted him. “Then let’s get ready to eat a looooot of carbohydrates.”

Tony had the feeling his belly would explode if he’d eat one bite ever again. Peter’s pancakes were the most delicious ones he had ever eaten, but now he felt more than full. “I think I can never move again.” Tony leaned back, one hand rubbing his belly.

“Luckily there is no appointment today.” Peter shifted on his seat.

Tony knew what that meant. He had been 15 too, and now he knew why Peter had cooked for him. “Where do you want to go tonight?” Tony asked.

Peter blushed slightly. “Is it that obvious?”

Tony laughed. “You prepare meal for me, you even pay for the Chinese dinner. And you are 15. So yeah, it is obvious.”

Peter sighed pathetically. “Okay, there is a LAN party at a friend of mine. Just some friends, chips and coke.”

Tony’s eyes got smaller. He had been young himself, and being a teenager meant lying to their parents. “LAN Party? Does this include girls and drinks and I don’t know…”

Peter raised his hands. “Oh god, no. It’s really just me and some friends. Oh please, dad.”

Dad? Tony gulped. Peter had never called him dad before. He looked at the boy, who blushed deeply red. “I am sorry,” Peter whispered.

“What for?” Tony asked. He felt proud to be called dad, because he had this parental feeling for Peter since the first time they had met. “It’s okay to call me dad.”

Peter nodded. “I just thought you don’t want to be called like that, because it sounds like you are old.”

The proudness to be called dad was stronger than his feeling of being old. “It’s really okay,” Tony I said again. “But back to the party,” he started but got interrupted by his vibrating mobile.

**Steve**  
Tonight, 8pm?

“You know, I trust you. If you want to go this party, I let you go.”

Peter’s smile grew bigger. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Tony waved. “Just come home before midnight, okay?”

“Yes Mr….Dad.” Peter jumped up taking his bag before he left Tony’s place.

Tony took his mobile and answered Steve that he could come by now, if he wanted. Tony got himself a drink and then another one. He knew he should stop this, but he couldn’t. He wanted to drown the dark feelings and somehow whiskey helped him to forget. Whiskey had become his best friend. Maybe he should tell the therapist about it next time.

Tony laughed bitterly. Therapy…he put down the glass and twisted it between his fingers. Should he really try talking with Steve tonight? Maybe it would work out and Tony would find … help?

It didn’t take an hour till his doorbell rang. Tony opened with a second glass of whiskey in his hands. “Steve.” Tony stepped to the side and let the other come in.

“Tony,” Steve said and walked to the kitchen to get himself a glass and some alcohol. He smiled at Tony.

“How was your day?” Tony wanted to know.

Steve smiled at him. “Now good, because I am here. How about we get to work, Tony?”

Tony’s heart clenched. Steve was not interested in talking with him. But Tony couldn’t push him away. He needed the other, he needed to be with someone. Tony let himself being pushed to the bedroom.

—

Tony woke up when it was still dark outside. He turned to look at the clock. Half past twelve. He heard someone rummaging in the corridor. Silent cursing about the cupboard and a hit toe let Tony know that Peter was back at home. At least he was only half an hour late.

He sat up. His bed was empty – like always. Steve never stayed longer than necessary. Tony got up and dressed before he left the apartment. He hoped Peter wouldn’t recognise that he was gone, but most probably he was already in bed, asleep.

Tony had no plan where to go, so he strolled down the streets, passing clubs and bars, looking at the happy people in there. Was he the only gloomy one? Was he the only one with problems? Or could other people hide their feelings better than he did?

Tony put his hands in his pockets. He wandered around till he stopped to look at the other side of the street. He blinked. It was still night, he couldn’t just ring at the door. But his feet went on their own and before he knew what he was doing, he rang the doorbell and waited. He already wanted to leave again, when the door got open. He had awaited to see the other in his pyjamas, but he was in his usual suit. “Don’t tell me you sleep in this?” Tony said.

“Tony?” Stephen said a little irritated. “What are you doing here at this time?”

“How was your day?” Tony wanted to know.

“What?” Stephen blinked. “Come in,” he finally said.

“What happened?” Stephen asked when they sat in the living room.

Tony sighed. “I walked around and came here by accident.”

“I had a calm day. Just a little work to do, but all in all I had much time to meditate,” Stephen said.

“What?” Tony asked.

“You asked me about my day. That was my day, and yours?”

“My day was good, I guess. I went to the therapist,” Tony said.

Stephen smiled shortly. “Really? I am glad you went there.”

“First I never wanted to go there again, but I don’t know, it’s not that bad at all.” Tony was astonished about his own words. “I guess my life is a complete mess.” Now it was scary – Tony had never talked about that. And he was talking with Stephen about his life. Someone he had never thought of someone close.

“Everyone has problems, Tony.” Tony could see that Stephen wasn’t done with speaking. He was still searching for words. “But I wish you would stop hiding somewhere and talk with someone about it. And I hope you can stop with all the whiskey in your life.”

Tony bit on his lower lip. “Why are you so concerned about me?”

“Isn’t that obvious?” Stephen asked. He rolled his eyes when Tony shook his head. “I like you, Tony.”

Tony’s heart stopped beating for a moment. What did Stephen say? That could just be a joke. “Like?”

“Don’t worry, I know you are stuck in your relationship with Steve, and that you can’t let go. I would just wish that you trust someone – no, that you trust me that I only want to help you. Maybe you can think about talking with me about your problems,” Stephen explained. So he was really worried about Tony. Why had Tony never seen this?

Tony laughed. “You are worried?” He brushed his face. “I always thought no one worries about me.”

“What makes you believe that no one worries when you act like this?” Stephen asked. “Bruce runs in circles, Natasha has already made plans about how to help you, Thor visits earth more often, and Steve, he is … Steve.”

Tony blinked. “Wait, what do you know about Steve?” Tony asked.

Stephen shook his head. “It’s not my business, Tony, you need to talk with him about it.”

“I guess he is not interested in me, except from sleeping with each other,” Tony said. “He never talks with me, he just want to go right to the point.”

“Try it again, Tony, and stay strong and don’t give in,” Stephen suggested.

Tony nodded. Could he do this? He needed to do it, because he needed to get things cleared. He stood up. “I need to clear things up, I really need to.” It sounded weird, but Stephen had given him the right push. Tony turned a last time to Stephen. “Just one question. You said you like me, but you try helping me with Steve?”

Stephen had his gaze lowered. He smiled sadly. “I just want to see you happy again.”

—

Weeks had passed and Tony had been five times with his therapist. He indeed felt better, and he had stand away from alcohol two weeks in a row. He was proud of himself, but there was one thing he hadn’t cleared by now. Steve.

Tony had thought about his own feelings, about what he wanted and how he wanted it. He had always thought that Steve was the one he belonged to, the one who was THE one for him, but he realised that this was definitely wrong. They still stuck together, because they were used to each other, but there was nothing like love left. He knew Steve had found someone, but he didn’t dare to leave Tony, because … yeah, he didn’t know why. “Oh,” Tony said.

He dialled Steve’s number and asked him to come over. Tony walked up and down nervously. It didn’t take Steve long to come to Tony. “Hey,” Steve said and wanted to kiss Tony, but Tony drew back.

“Steve, we need to talk,” Tony tried sounding confident, even though he felt like throwing up.

“Talk?” Steves sounded irritated. “Okay,” He finally agreed and they sat at the table in Tony’s kitchen.

“Steve, we can’t go on like that.” Tony hadn’t thought that he would really find the right words in this moment. “We don’t talk with each other. We just get together to jump into bed and go our own ways again.”

“I know,” Steve said. He didn’t dare to look at Tony directly. “I … I don’t know how to explain it.”

Tony waved his hand. “No, no, I know why you are doing this, even though you have met someone you want to be together with.”

“Tony,” Steve said apologetically. “It’s not like that.”

Tony had always thought he would be more emotional when this talk was approaching, but for his surprise he was really calm. It was right to have this talk now. “I know. And I want to thank you Steve.” It had needed various talks with his therapist to understand why Steve acted like this, and why his friends behaved like they did. And now Tony even realised that he was everything but alone. Everyone would immediately come to help when he called for help.

“You thank me?” Steve was astonished.

“You stayed by my side, because you wanted to help me.” Tony smiled. “And we couldn’t talk with each other, because this had never been our strong point, so you stayed with the thing we can do best.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Tony.” Steve sounded worried. “We…I am afraid that something happens to you. You are so desperate.” He made a pause, brushing Tony’s cheek with his thumb. “But you become better again.”

Tony nodded. “Yeah, I feel better. I have a therapist now, and I have the feeling that I get slowly out of this mess.”

“That’s good. Stephen was right when he said you’d make it though this.”

Tony knitted his eyebrows. “You talked with Stephen about me?”

“Not like you think. I asked him about you,” Steve explained. “I could always see his concern when we all were together. He was worried, I could see it immediately. But he is not worried like Bruce or Thor, or like I am. He has this special sparkle in his eyes.”

“He already told me that he likes me,” Tony admitted. “I am just not sure how to handle this.”

Steve laughed. “I never thought that we two would have this talk with each other. Do you like him?”

Tony cocked his head. “He is stubborn and arrogant, he always has the last word, he is so stoic and not able to freak out. He has such a sarcastic humour, I could freak out when he talks. And this weird beard and his Cape. And even in the middle of the night he wears his costume. Oh, and he seems to work pretty long.”

“Damn, you really are in love,” Steve stunned. He patted Tony’s shoulder and laughed. “I am happy that we finally talked, and that you decided to listen to Stephen and searched for help.”

Tony hugged the other. “Thank you.”

—

“Mr. Stark, you have done a great job here. You came here almost half of a year, and your problems seem to get less. I am happy with the way you have chosen,” the therapist said. “Are you happy?”

Tony nodded. “There is just one thing I want to do, and I didn’t dare to do, because I wanted everything else to be cleared beforehand.”

It was Tony’s last session. He had decided that it was time to go on alone. He had accepted that bad things can happen, but he wanted the dark thoughts to stay at minimum. And he had opened his eyes to see that he was everything but alone.

And then there was Stephen. He had not dared to talk with him during the last weeks, but now it was the perfect time to tell him about it.

“Good luck, Mr. Stark.” She shook Tony’s hand and when Tony left the building, he really had the feeling that his life had changed. He walked down the street till he stood in front of Stephen’s home, like he had done months ago.

“Tony?” He asked when he opened the door.

  
“Stephen, can I talk with you?” Tony stepped into the room.

“Sure,” Stephen answered. “How are you doing?”

Tony smiled. This small sentence made him feel all bubbly and warm. “I am good, and you?”

“Can’t complain,” Stephen said. “You want to talk?”

Was Stephen really nervous? His whole body language was slightly different from usual. “I want to thank you that you forced me to the therapist. And that you listened to me, even though I was really in a dark mood.”

“No problem at all. I already told you I like you.” This time it sounded different than last time. Maybe because he and Steve had cleared things up, and because Tony had admitted his feelings to himself. He allowed the feeling of being in love with someone again after years of being stuck in a fucked up relationship.

“I really like you too, Doctor.” Tony smirked. He could see Stephen’s eyes widen, but he stayed stoic - like always.

“Have you talked with Steve?”

Tony nodded. “We decided to go separate ways. We cleared everything between us.”

“That’s good.” Stephen stepped closer, and Tony could feel his heart beat increasing. He thought the other would kiss him, but he just pulled Tony in a hug.

“Really?” Tony said against Stephen’s chest.

The other dissolved a bit and stared at Tony. “What?”

“I thought you would kiss me now,” Tony said.

“Oh, I can do that, if you want,” Stephen said earnest before he bent forward to kiss Tony.

 

 

 

 


End file.
